The Independent Years

From the Book, “Postmodern Children’s Ministry

The Independent Years

As children grow out of infancy and into the toddler years, they begin to eagerly explore the world. This innate curiosity joins with their burgeoning physical and intellectual abilities to push them into the next stage or crises, Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt. As he grows increasingly independent of his parents, the toddler’s battle cries become, “Me do it” and “No.”. For a child to successfully navigate this crisis, he must come to feel good about his newfound ability to master tasks like getting dressed, using the toilet, and feeding himself rather than feel ashamed or unsure of his ability to learn and execute new and necessary skills. Adults who praise and celebrate the child age-appropriate attempts at independence help him build a sense of competency. The parent who stifles or belittles a toddler’s attempts at independence will cast the pall of shame and doubt over the child’s efforts at conquering his little piece of the world.
Because a toddler’s desire for independence often runs headlong into his parents’ desire to keep him safe, healthy, and dressed, these are the years when discipline becomes an issue. The way a child is disciplined has a tremendous impact on this crisis of autonomy. The parent who expects behavior beyond the child’s developmental ability or offers harsh punishment of misbehavior can damage the child’s spirit and cause the child to lose confidence. The parent who sets appropriate and consistent expectations for a child’s behavior and who follows up with appropriate, loving, and consistent consequences helps a child develop a sense of accomplishment.